My Plan, Stan

I am on FIRE with my homeschool this year!!!! I am so excited about the direction that it is going, but bummed that it took me this long to get here. When I started homeschooling, I just did it on what I remembered from my childhood and being kinda of a punk, I thought I knew it all and I could recreate the wheel. Boy, did I waste so much time being a child about it, when I could be sitting at the feet of the masters. If I have an idea and you have an idea and we share our ideas with each other, then we have two ideas each. Being in community with other homeschoolers and being humble enough to ask questions and learn from others, can be the biggest boost for your home. But, on the upside, I spent those early years doing alot of research (still love doing that) and I love helping new homeschoolers or homeschoolers looking for change and all of my research and experience helps with that.  AH! So excited!!! So, I wanted to share what I am doing and how we are doing it.......again, as always with things like this, I want to give a caveat. This works for US.....take it or leave it, try it and see, if it doesn't work then find something else. To set this up, I have 5 children (12, almost 10, 6.5, 4.5 and almost 2), we are involved in many extracurriculars, I run my own business and I am knee deep in my homeschool group with setting up events and such, plus an array of many different things. With that all being said, I am not sitting around eating bon-bons :) So here we go.....

Morning Time

Morning Time has been crucial in my homeschool, I was doing it before I had a name for it and some guidance on how to do it. Basically, morning time is when we all get together and do certain subjects at the same time. It is always the first thing we do before any other schoolwork and we usually start around 11am (more like midmorning time). Here is the order of what we do:

1. Prayers: I call the kids to sit around me by playing this and then we pray an Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be and the St. Michael Prayer.

2. Poetry: We then recite poetry or work on a poetry selection. So far we have learned "Jabberwocky" by Lewis Carroll and "The Eagle" by Alfred Lord Tennyson, we have finished these and we will be going onto Elizabeth Foss's poetry selections.

3. Memory Work: We have been using Catholic Schoolhouse memory work material and my kids really love it.

4. Scripture Study: We are reading through Matthew 7 and hopefully memorizing it and unpacking the meaning of the text (this is the fun part for me)

5. Religion: We are reading "My Path to Heaven" by Geoffrey Bliss S.J and once we are done we will be reading a saint biography. Religion is basically me reading out loud from a book of faith.

6. History: Currently reading "Norse Myths" by D'Aulaire, it is part of the book list from Connecting with History   and we will just be going down the list of books and choose whatever we can get at the library.

7. Alternate subjects: All of the above are things that we do everyday, but we then add 2 extra subjects to tack on the end. We do a read aloud as an audio book in the car, so it's on instead of the radio most outings and for the next couple of weeks we are alternating between music appreciation and Shakespeare.  After we are done hearing and learning about Baroque music and A Midsummer Night's Dream, we will go onto science (light and sound) and art appreciation (Fra Angelico) and after that I have a whole slew of subjects to pair up (geography, nature study, life skills/handicrafts, logic, foreign languages etc.) and then we will come back to Shakespeare, music, art and science.

All that takes about an hour and then we usually break for lunch and then when we come back we go into binder work......

Binder Work

Each child has a binder in which I write each of their subjects that they need to do independent from each other. I just put lined paper, write the date at the top and list each subject (math, language arts and practice instruments are the only things on there), with a little box on the end so they can check it off when done. Here is the breakdown of what each kid does:

6/7th Grade   

Math- 2 chapters of Life of Fred (she started at Apples at the beginning of the year and now is at Kidneys)

15 min of piano and flute practice

Writing prompts (I take the prompts and we work on them until the are a really good page or so)

She reads on her own so I don't assign this, since I know it will get done.

4th Grade  

Math- 2 chapters of Life of Fred (she started at Apples and is currently in Farming)

30 min of oboe (the girl needs more practice)

Daily Grams- 2 pages and often she does more

Read one chapter

Wordly Wise- finish one lesson

1st Grade  

Math- 2 chapters of Life of Fred (she's in Cats but she also has a workbook of first grade math from B&N)

Reading- we go back in forth from AAR (All About Reading 1), Explode the Code 1.5 and Starfall online

Writing- she just finished a handwriting book and is doing Spelling You See A

Pre-K  

So, I really wasn't ready to school Pre-K, I try to wait until they are 6 to do school, but my son was insistent that he should have a binder. So for him I just find little workbooks and tear out pages for him and have him work for as long as his attention span permits. He also has older siblings who read to him before bed, so I know he is taken care of there.

And that's all she wrote guys.....that's it! That is our homeschool day! It's so much fun and I love learning alongside of them and see them make connections. Have any questions? Don't hesitate to ask, I LOVE questions!

 

The Non-Negotiables

I am really trying to channel Elliot Ness in the title.......not sure it worked :)
Oh well, I wanted to write about scheduling and organization. Now before you switch to Facebook or go check your email, here me out. Time is money, and even if your job is to be a homeschool mom and homemaker it still is a valuable skill to have in ordering your time. In my 12 years of parenting my organization methods have changed and it will most likely keep changing as the children grow or we have more children or just the weather can put things into disarray. In this particular season of my life, I am working on a daily planner and focusing on my 4 non-negotiables. What are these 4 tasks? These are the top 4 things that if I can do them every day, will make me feel as if I've accomplished something. And even if my day is a bust, if I can squeeze out these 4 things I'll be able to sleep at night knowing that the day was ordered to the greater glory of God. Now, here is the caveat, these are MY top 4, you need to choose your own and they might be different and even if they are not different, the way you approach them or do them will be different in some ways. Keep that in mind as you read on, there is nothing more frustrating than trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. For me, my 4 are: workout, clean, school, and get 5, let me explain:

1. Workout: I need to workout every day. My food choices aren't stellar and so to combat that and make me feel good, I set aside 30 min in the morning to workout. I've tried to workout in the middle of the day or evening, but for me I like to get it out of the way so I can get my shower and makeup on and get on with the other daily activities. Now, I don't get to workout on the weekends most times, but I make it a point to be somewhat physically activity on the weekends. Daily Burn is my drug of choice, but find something that works for you, if working out is a high priority in your life.

2. Clean: The older I get and the more children I have, the higher value I place in a clean house. It totally seems counter intuitive, but there it is. I have tried a gazillion different cleaning schedules and methods and none of them ever work for me. The only thing that has worked, so far, is zone cleaning. Monday we clean the kids rooms and keep the first floor tidy, Tuesday is the master bedroom (you'd be surprised at how much kid stuff lands in my room) and keep the first floor tidy, Wednesday is first floor overhaul clean, Thursday is homeschool room and keep first floor tidy and Friday (weekends as well) are reserved for specific areas that need the most attention but the first floor is always kept tidy. I realized that I can't function if my first floor living space is in disarray so we put a heavy emphasis on that area. Laundry is done in shifts and I am happy with the results.

3. School: It is so easy for me to just let school slide and then freak out because I made the choice to let it slide, yeah I know dumb, right?  And again, like everything else, I've tried so many different things and we have finally landed on something that works well for us. We split our day into two segments: morning and binder time. Morning time is a place where we do all the subjects that can be done in a group and I alternate through things (at this moment we are doing prayers, poetry, scripture, religion and history everyday and alternating music appreciation and Shakespeare). After that, each kid has a binder with the independent work or assisted work for my younger ones and they go off and finish them. This simplification has helped me out tremendously in our school time. Another big factor is me being disciplined in organizing what we need to do ahead of time and not waiting until the last minute. Adulting is hard, but it needs to get done to have a healthy, happy mom.

4. Get 5: Finally, there is get 5. If you didn't know, I run a small business as an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay Cosmetics, I've been a consultant for 13 years and could not imagine doing anything else for an occupation. Being in direct sales is hard, a lot of people have preconceived notions and prejudices, but they are just not educated in what we do as business women. For me, growing my business is crucial to having a good day. So, to get 5 means to make 5 new contacts with potential or current clients each day. It is something so small that I forget to do, but by end of the day if I haven't put any effort forward in achieving my goals or doing my work, I'm kinda bummed. This might seem trivial to some, but this is a passion of mine and I take it seriously. Teaching people about proper skincare and color application is more than just that, it's about reaching into a person's life and making an impact.

So, you are asking what about prayer time or setting aside time for God? That for me is a given, rosary in the morning, divine mercy chaplet at 3, reading books that make me grow as a Catholic, Mass, Adoration, etc. these are all staples in my schedule. Plus, I feel that the top 4 non-negotiables, if done properly,are praising God throughout the day, using the abilities that he has given me, following through on my vocation and occupation, working as God intended us to work. By keeping an orderly schedule and organizing my time, I'm truly living the call of doing everything to the greater glory of God.

Birthing Hips

I think I was born curvy, when I hit puberty I went from little girl clothes to misses overnight it seemed. The natural progression of hitting a major milestone in your life, of course, is to go on a diet, right?  Living with my grandparents during the early years of puberty were hell, they were the biggest reasons for my whole dysfunctional relationship with food and my body. "Thunder thighs" were often referenced and little jabs of how my body looked were an everyday occurrence. My defense mechanism? I would just say that God was just getting me ready for my vocation as a mother, thus "birthing hips". I've been on a "diet" since the age of 11. The sad thing is that I was never "obese", I was just developing naturally but in the process I made it worse by eating my feelings. Mostly feelings of anger and defiance. Once my uncle saw me grab some Oreos and made a comment about me not "needing" those Oreos and I proceeded to eat the entire package, in front of him, just to make a point. You can't tell me what to do! It all went down hill from there.

After I had my 5th child, I was dead set on losing a whole bunch of weight and getting skinny. My sister and brother were getting married back to back over the summer and I was dead set on looking good for pics. I saw a couple of friends doing different diets and it seemed to work for them, as they touted the "incredible" weight loss and energy they had found. So, I jumped onto band wagon after band wagon, hoping beyond hope that this time it would work. I worked out every day, or at least every other day, for at least half an hour and I ate close to nothing. Each time with hope growing that THIS would be it, I will finally be skinny. NO WEIGHT LOSS! Nothing, nada, zilch! Some inches lost but not what I was expecting or wanting, especially with all the time and effort I was giving to this project. Something else that was worrying me, on top of not seeing any results, was that I had lost my cycles at 19, I went from a 28 day-er to absolutely nothing. And after my 5th pregnancy (assisted by fertility drugs) I realized that my body at 32 was different than my body at 21 and I couldn't do this anymore as an overweight person. I want more children, so losing weight and gaining my fertility back was imperative. So, I found a new doctor that came highly recommended from a friend of mine. The answer the doctor gave me was = Lyme disease......I was told that I have a particular hard strain of Lyme in my uterus and thyroid. Hmmmm....no periods and no weight loss....yep,lyme. It's a trial of patience as I have to take 7-10 pills a morning and half of them at night and the pounds aren't necessarily melting off of me, but I do see and feel some change. I only just started on the hard hitting meds and I am hopeful that my results in the next two months will be positive....or in the negative, as I'd like to see on the scale.

What I've learned in this whole process, is that we are all made in the image and likeness of God but we are all different too. My body and my metabolism, my appetite and my tastes are completely different from others. Just how we take the Myers-Briggs test to see what our personalities are, there are individual temperaments for weight loss. I can't eat certain foods: corn, peppers, cauliflower, broccoli, tomatoes and certain grains, kill my stomach. So I stay away from those and I only eat when I'm hungry; before I was eating every 2 hours and I couldn't do it. During Lent, I'm working on curbing my habit of eating ice cream in the evening, I always would eat a bowl of ice cream around 9:30. Slowly but surely working on bad eating habits that have not served me in the past is all a part of growing up, I guess. I've also realized that working out is easier for me and I'll do it more often than the food part. So, if me eating two pieces of toast with peanut butter and a glass of OJ in the morning, then not eating again until 2 or 3 (sometimes just a can of tuna with crackers) and then eating at 6 or 7 and then repeating it again the next day, works for me, then awesome! If working out 7 days a week for 30 minutes a day, works for me, then great!  Know yourself, be in tune with your body and what it needs and can handle and do it! Stay tuned for my journey........

Buck Up, Buttercup

Whoa! Guys, I was not expecting to get so incredibly deep last post. Have you ever started writing and then the spirit just directs you in a whole different direction? Well, my intention was not to bare my soul, but in a way it was cathartic. Don't worry, there won't be that many of those posts on here, I don't want to to be known as the "crazy, depressed blogger lady". My title is "Buck Up, Buttercup" because even in my lowest points, I still know that I will come out of it better than I did going in. I process things verbally and when I'm anxious or stressed or haven't had enough sleep, I need to work through things and then let it go. My poor husband is usually the victim of my verbal meltdowns....you, dear reader, were privileged enough to bear the brunt this time. Aren't you special? I promise to keep the bleak posts to a minimum if you promise to help me create this blog, deal?

 I do need to find my niche though, which was what I intended to write about last time. I feel like this blog could turn into a mess of crazy posts that range from deep philosophical ideas to homeschool ideas to weary mom posts. I live a multi-faceted life and I love talking about all of it and in real life I don't really have people who I can talk to about all the facets at the same time. I don't know anyone who is Catholic, ENTJ,a mom of 5, a homeschool mom who was homeschooled, a business owner, a reader, a tv junkie, etc., nobody is exactly like me, so this can give me a platform to talk about ALL the things that I love! That gets me excited!

To be able to talk about incites that I might have gleaned through scripture or writings or even my time in Adoration would be amazing. Even if people don't read them and I don't get to be famous in the blog world, at least I'll have a record of all my thoughts.

ENTJ stuff will probably be my favorite to write about because I get to vent about things that bug me. As an ENTJ, I got annoyed very easily :)  And being an ENTJ, even in my most depressed states, I still think I'm better than everyone else.....it's something I'm working on.

Mom stuff and especially homeschool mom stuff is like ALL I talk about and I want to talk more about it. I am finding my footing in the mom/homeschool role, so this will be a fun topic to explore.

And then all the other miscellaneous parts of me will make this blog a hodge podge of reads, but I think that is perfectly me.

Who Am I?

You would think that 30 some years on this earth would make this an easy question to answer, but everyday I come across certain things or people that make me question my very existence. You probably don't have that problem, you most likely have your s**** together (pardon my french). I feel like a teenager still swimming upstream and fighting tooth and nail to fit in. I read blog posts from friends and think, "Oh man! I don't sound anything like that when I write. They are so much more polished than me". Or I listen to people on podcasts or on periscope and think, "I would never be taken seriously and people wouldn't want to follow my podcast or periscope. I'm just not as cool as her." It's like I am stuck, permanently, in my teenage years. I just can't shake the idea that I just am kidding myself, I am not the "voice" that people want to hear. I'm never going to be asked to co-host any new thing or be asked to speak or be asked to lead in any capacity. People find me laughable, or at least that is the tape playing in my head. I wanted to give up writing here, who actually reads this crap anyway? But, I have to give myself a chance. I am late to the game and blogging is being replaced with other forms of communication. Could I do more with this? My head says most likely not, it plays the tape of the parent telling me that I couldn't make it as an actress, even though it's all I every wanted to be (other than a mom). It plays the tapes of the two failed auditions, the room full of pretty popular girls in a PR group that I wanted to join, but once I got there and saw them I turned around and walked away. It plays the tape of all the boys I had crushes on who never gave me the time of day or who made it there personal mission to humiliate me. The tape overrides every good thing I have done and replaces it with yet another failure that looms ever present, growing larger with each passing day, eventually blocking out all happy tapes completely. I don't even know what I can pull from as a successful moment in my life. This is hard! Sitting here typing and knowing that it most likely will all be a waste of time, is SO hard for me. I have always wanted to be the best at everything, I learned random facts just so that I could pull them out in conversation and feel important. I like knowing everything so that people come to me for help, it makes me feel important and sadly I feel like they will love me more if they need me. Sad,huh? I was never the artist like my sister and I wasn't a good baseball player like two of my brothers and I wasn't the autistic one like my youngest brother. I was just the annoying older sister who tried too hard, wore her feelings on her sleeve, made it easy to pick on and who lived her best days lost in a world of make believe because at least there it would be nicer and I could be someone special. Even writing those things makes me so mad at myself....boo hoo! woe is me! What an idiot! I can hear my whole family say, "You are too sensitive, Maria!"  And the saddest part of all, is that even with all that, I still try so hard to be better. I still try to be find myself, I still work everyday at doing what I would like to do, even if I do it badly. I have high expectations of myself and when, inevitably, I fail then watch out for the waterworks. I wonder if I'll ever just give up and stop trying so hard. I wonder if I'll ever just say, "I'm nothing special, stop trying and just go through the motions of life and wait for death." My heart hurts, but it keeps telling me to keep reaching, keep moving forward. Am I just kidding myself or will it work out in the end? Jury is still out for that one.

     I went to a Catholic Women's Conference over the weekend and I heard about God's mercy and how much He loves his daughter's.......I nodded along......I believed every word of it, but only for those around me, it was hard to think of that mercy and love being delivered to me. I am nobody, I am not very good at many things and not sure if I'm good at anything. I know that this is a pity party and I am upset with myself for writing all this out, it makes me feel weak. But, there it is......who am I? I'm a hot, lonely mess.....wishing desperately that I could be someone else, someone cooler and more talented, someone prettier, thinner, better with words, likeable, loveable, anybody other than me.

What You Learn In Between Posts

I gave myself a challenge to write on the blog everyday during Lent, mostly because I don't think of myself as a great writer and want to get better and mostly because I see all these fun ladies who are blogging and podcasting and I feel like I'd like to join their group. Life happens and I got sick and couldn't formulate coherent sentences (no, I'm not currently sick so all of these sentences are me actually trying), but I want to give you 5 things I learned during my writing hiatus:

1. God talks to you DAILY and most of the time it can be quite LOUDLY! I am so surprised at how much I hear Him now in my everyday, I see Him in every twist and turn of my day. It's comforting and scary all at the same time. He knows me SO well that I worry about the people, situations and conversations that He might lead me to. I am, also, very aware of when I fail the mission with my incredibly prideful humanity. Yet His Mercy knows no bounds and I get the chance to try again.
2. I am LOVING Homeschooling! I feel like I've finally entered into this season of life where I know who I am and I know what I want and I can do the work to keep us on track. What a joy! I truly love homeschooling and teaching in general, I'm so thankful to the pioneers and ladies that have spoken into my life to help me get to this place.
3. I am learning to love books and learning again. I started 2016 with an idea to grow in knowledge. I find myself formulating arguments and essays on different subjects and most of the time I've thought all my arguments thoroughly, but there are certain people in my life that look at me as if I was stupid and make me feel stupid. I know I'm not but I have an overwhelming desire to prove them wrong. I know it's unhealthy, but gosh darn it and I want them to see me for the smart person that I am!!!! Sticking it the man always makes me feel excited!
4. This blog can't only be about me writing through my thoughts...I am a complex human being who lives a life uncommon and I need to write about it. Others out there like me, might appreciate my life story. I'm excited to write more about things that are unique to me.
5. I talked about my prayer list and my calling to offer up my little inconveniences and sufferings up for another. It has become very powerful! Little menial tasks when done with another in mind, can take on a whole new form. Why haven't I done this before?!

Well, to wrap it up, I'm excited about a lot of things and a lot of things are being revealed to me. Life is amazing, guys, what an adventure and what I great Guide we have.

I Ain't Scared

Wow! Today's homily was great! In our parish we have the privilege of having 4 Missionaries of Mercy appointed by the Pope, and today we were forewarned that because of this we should expect the Devil to attack us. What?! Well, that was intense! But, so true and it lit a fire in me. What would you do if you were told to get ready for war? You would get to work, brandish your sword and get your suit of armor out of storage, right? And you couldn't say that you didn't know if you were caught sleeping. So, how do I intend to get ready? I was inspired to have a "get to work" jar filled with prayer intentions. You see I complain about a lot of things that are going "wrong" in my life, but they are just little inconveniences. My life, in fact, is very good. One of my friends mentioned that her life is pretty good too and what does that say about her, is she not saintly enough to have hardships for the Lord. My answer: maybe our function is to take our little grievances and inconveniences and offer them up daily for those who are really suffering. In a war there are various jobs that are necessary in order to win, a front line, commanders, strategists, ammunition techs, decoders, etc.....So each of our offerings, big or small, is very important to the cause. So, my "work jar" will be filled with intentions of friends that need me to pray for them and each day I will grab one and that whole day will be dedicated to them. My rosary, my chaplet, my intense toddler, the crying pre-teen, the dirty laundry, giving up some of my favorite foods and so on and so forth, all will be dedicated to that person. What a great way to live the Lenten season and get myself truly prepared for the devil's attack. I ain't scared and I will be ready for him, God's got my back!

Read, Watch and Listen

One of my new favorite podcasts do these episodes on what they are currently reading, watching, listening to and following and sometimes they talk about what is working for them in that moment of their lives, so because I have tremendous writer's block and I don't want to have this blog be all about gloom and doom, I decided to share my read, watch and listen.

Read: What am I currently reading? I've decided to try and read several books at once because I'm trying to grow in intellect :)  "The Temperament that God gave you", Wendell Berry's "Hannah Coulter", "Miracles Happen:The Life and Timeless Principles or the Founder of Mary Kay Inc." all of these hit different parts of my life and I am enjoying taking notes when something pops out at me. 

Watch: I'm addicted to television, so I will just tell you about one of my newest addictions (ok maybe two): Luther on Netflix and Blindspot on Hulu......I love crime dramas!

Listen: PODCASTS! I am loving podcasts! Other than the one stated above, I am loving the Circe Institute podcast and Fountains of Carrots, but those are just a small sampling. 

I don't really follow anyone, but I am loving Read Aloud Revival Membership site and the Master Classes they offer for homeschoolers. It's so much fun and it's like continuing education for me.

What is really working for me: Adoration (duh!) I love that time to talk through life and have the opportunity to "hear" directions from God.

So there you go.....boring huh? I promise to be better next time :)

"Show, O Lord, Thy Ways To Me....."

".....And teach me Thy paths" (Psalm 24:4 Douay-Rheims Bible)

I have started going to Adoration weekly since the beginning of the school year. I have finally reached the point where I can leave kids home with the oldest and not have to worry (yay!) Anyway, not to make any of you young moms jealous, you'll get there soon enough, but it has been an amazing and revealing time. I often just go in and talk to God about my multitude of problems and ask Him for guidance. To my amazement (I guess I shouldn't be amazed), I have gotten so many questions answered and I come home excited telling the kids how God talked to me. Today, I went with a laundry list of complaints and "problems" to fix and once again I left with renewed optimism and perspective. I'll be honest, my week hasn't been the best, from kid puke, to the weather and self inflicted anxiety, I've been a wreck. I haven't been able to get all my things taken care of and I started feeling like a failure, I kept trying to tell myself that God was still working and He was taking care of it, but, like I told Him during our little chat, I wanted to follow through with my work and not fall into laziness. I want to have a balance where I can trust God in the hard times but also do the work that He has given me the power to do. I know that I am created for work and I don't want to take that for granted. Anyway, I always bring a notebook with me to Adoration because I find that I am moved by the Holy Spirit to take notes or write out what I feel in my heart, which in the quiet of the chapel the words are easier to hear from God and boy, do I have pages of gems. Just yesterday, I heard Bishop Barron answer the question about why God allows natural disasters to happen and Bishop Barron said, to paraphrase, that it was to redirect those who are affected hopefully back to God. Then it hit me, right there in the chapel (and I scribble frantically in my notebook), that's what my bad days are all about! God is using those times of trial to redirect me back to Him, to hit me over the head and say "Hey you can't do this without Me, don't even try." I, also, attended a small retreat last weekend and the speaker said something that stuck with me: We Know what to do, we just don't DO it. What?! Yeah, I know! It doesn't take much to blow my mind.....duh! I know what I need to do to create a good day for me, but I get cocky and don't make the time to really do the work, even though I know that I'll be happy and it's not that hard, I just figure that I know what to do and I don't need to work so hard anymore because I'm set. WRONG!!!! Life is a work in progress, once you think you have it down, something else pops up and you need to constantly be moving forward. Unlike most people, I like the challenge and I enjoy the work, it's just remembering that I am not in charge and once again letting go (white knuckles, clenched teeth and all).  So, some things that came to me to alleviate the bad days is to drop everything and go to the library, head to Mass, say the Divine Mercy chaplet, read the Bible, listen to uplifting music, do a workout, have some fun with the kids, sit down and watch a movie without being distracted, take on a cleaning project, all these things will make me feel like I've done something towards the work that God has in store for me, whether it is to be a better child of God, a better mother, wife or teacher, it all will help. I'm excited to put these into practice! What a blessing that we can go to Our Father and have him kiss the boo boo and make it go away.

How A Leopard Changed His Spots

I've spent my entire life trying desperately to be something I am not. In middle school, you never knew who I would be on any given week, cheerleader one week, tomboy another. This, unfortunately, didn't end there, in some regards this has seeped into my adulthood too. It's tiresome work and I can't believe I keep doing it to myself, even though I never get to where I want to be, I just keep hoping that I will become something else other than me. How would you feel if your personality style was likened to a monster that orchestrated the murders of millions, a British man that is renowned for his bad temper in the kitchen, and a superhero villain?  I pretty much have the worst personality ever, so why wouldn't I want to change?   But, recently, after taking a Myers-Briggs test (for the millionth time), I looked at my results and said, "well, I guess I just need to work with this." It's the person I am meant and created to be. Wow is that hard to accept! I want to be liked, I want to be popular, I want to be loved so badly I am willing to change my spots for that acceptance. It's hard to see the good in me, it's easier to see the bad. I'm loud, opinionated, obnoxiously needy, passionate, emotionally unstable and speak before I think. How could any of that win me awards or friends? But, I have to believe that I have a purpose and that I am intelligent enough to take me and make me better. I am, after all, created in the image and likeness of God and if I can be real with others, I can be real with myself. I read somewhere that out of all the Apostles, Paul was the only one to travel alone because he was hard around the edges. I would like to think of myself as a modern day St. Paul, I've been knocked off the horse more times than I care repeating but I'll get there......I hope! This Lent, is just a great time to challenge myself into living my life the way God intended it to be and be me. It's time to allow myself to understand that the things that I do like about myself, others don't necessarily appreciate and that I just need to be ok with that. I need to be ok with the fact that people annoy me and let me down, so I just have to give them grace and mercy. I will always have high expectations of things, but I just need to be realistic even within the parameters of my expectations.......just to name a few. It's scary as all get out, but what else can I do? I've tried everything else, I have no one left to be.

Welcome To Lent!

"Welcome to Lent!" is all the text said after I sent text after text to my husband, in the hopes of proving to him that this day was going to be horrible and that learning to relax is just not an option when life doesn't pay attention to what you want. This is the start of my Ash Wednesday! On Mardi Gras (Shrove Tuesday) I, of course, waited until the umpteenth hour to figure out what I was going to do for Lent. I was stressing myself out about it, in my usual fashion, and my husband offered up this tidbit in his aggravatingly, easy, breezy tone, "Maybe you should give up worrying". Huh?! Does he not know me? My rebuttal was quickly on my lips, because it is what I always said when he mentions this, "But, HOW do you do that?" I need a game plan, a path to follow, in order to achieve anything. Learning to relax and "let go and let God"is all Greek to me, what does that even look like? Is there a checklist for that? I went through my day, where at every turn I felt like I could hear God saying, "Trust Me, I have something better in store for you". It surely didn't feel like I would be granted this resplendent day, where my checklist was done and I could sit back and look at my list, feeling happy that I had gotten my act together and was able to accomplish something. But, it's not about me and what I can do on my own, is it? It's the middle of my day and I'm still to see any fruit or God's hand blessing anything in my day and most likely I won't have a beatific vision or wonderful moment of clarity and understanding. But what I will have is the peace of mind that I am allowing my Heavenly Father to work through me in whatever way He deems fit. The knowledge that He works even in the quiet times, in the inactive times, in the hard times, He is always working, is good enough for me. I don't have to kill myself to try and achieve a perfect grade in life by doing what I think will get me that A+, all I have to do is listen and heed the call of my Creator. To be silent when he wants silence, to be still when he needs me to be still, to be what He needs me to be in order to appease His checklist, not mine. Do I want to pull my hair out and scream? Yes. Do I want to crawl into bed and call the time of death on this day? Yes. But, then what would all that really accomplish? At least that's what I keep repeating to myself. God is not a liar, so I will persevere in the endless task of learning to trust the one person who will never let me down. Funny how we can put our trust in so many things and people, but we can't seem to give that to He who will never disappoint. So, I sit here, breathing in and out, lamaze- style, willing myself to trust, to relax, failing but offering it up because after all it is Lent.